Tales from Jupp

As many of you know, I am excruciatingly terrible at small talk. I'd rather sit across from someone in a peaceful, cozy, and understanding silence than embarrass everyone involved with inane and thoroughly useless chatter.

Working in retail, however, requires some casual mastery of the art of small talk. Up until recently, I exchanged only a few words with clients: "Can I help at all?"; "Do you prefer yellow or white gold?"; and "Would you like me to gift-wrap this for you?". One day I ventured into discussing-the-weather territory, asking a customer whether it was still raining outside - even though the entire shopfront is made of glass and I had only to glance to the right to answer my own vapid question.

Last Wednesday, a vaguely-distracted woman entered the shop, carrying a large bag and a motorcycle helmet. She had the air of someone who knew that she wanted to buy something, who knew that she must leave with some pretty object in hand, yet didn't know what it was that she wanted. She enquired about some citrine quartz and diamond earrings displayed in the window, and I proceeded to rummage around for them gracelessly, knocking over ring stands and a few gold bangles in my enthusiasm to make a good sale. She tried the earrings on and we had a short conversation about their qualities and merits. When she finally decided to purchase the earrings, I felt so cheered that I decided to work on my small talk skills right then and there.

I beamed across the counter at her and said, "It's so nice to treat oneself, isn't it?"

Some strange emotion passed through her features and I immediately knew that I had managed to fuck up this simple attempt at harmless, pleasant banter.

"Actually," she responded (really absently, I have to say), "I'm getting divorced."

Oh.

"Yes, I've just come from my lawyer's across the street."

Oh.

Quickly I summoned the appropriate facial expressions and murmured my apologies, whilst making a mental note to never attempt any form of casual conversation with customers (and anybody else, really, stranger or otherwise) EVER AGAIN. I said a final "I'm very sorry" as I handed back her credit card, to which she replied:

"Yes, well, I'm coming into a lot of money" (this followed by an intensely bitter laugh and ominous trailing off).

EEK.

Now, some might say that this exchange was not so bad - however, this sort of thing happens to me all the time. At parties, as I shyly clutch at my wine glass or stale hor-d'oeuvre, mustering up the courage and interest to begin a scintillating bit of conversation, I will ask an acquaintance about their boyfriend/girlfriend, only to be told that they broke up the very night before (this has happened to me three times). It is always when I make an especially concerted effort to be outgoing and chatty that these backfires occur. And so, like many other things of late, I am GIVING UP ON SMALL TALK.