Vatican Priest of the Month: Special August Edition

You may remember that all of this began with Agosto. Desperately eager to share the photographs from my strange Vatican Priest calendar with everyone (kind of like needing to share especially tasty gossip as soon as humanly possible), I tore through the months until I found a guy that actually appealed to me (ever so slightly). That's how we began with the 'smouldering' model from the month of August (wouldn't 'smouldy' be a hilarious way to describe someone?).

Now that it actually is August, though, I have to be clever in order to keep you entertained. Also, a problem: I no longer find Agosto even remotely attractive. This unfortunate development may be the result of a better quality scan. Otherwise, some dust was on the calendar, giving Agosto the appearance of being unpleasantly gap-toothed (that's right, not in a cute way at all). In short, my passion has waned and I yearn for another.

Flipping through an old i-D magazine (The 'Faith' Issue) just over a month ago, however, I stumbled across this entirely bizarre fashion spread. It's called 'The Messenger,' and it's all about sexy priest-types or whatever. Thankfully, then, I can fill up the August Edition with these dudes.

The opening photograph: an anaemic-looking kid with slicked-back hair and a concave chest (apparently). He looks like the kid they might have used on some cheesy Unsolved Mysteries episode for a dramatization of the devil appearing in human form before a bewildered and terrorized Italian villager. That's a poorly constructed run-on sentence, but I have no intention of altering it.

Second picture: I think we can all agree that this one is terribly contrived. The half-hearted pose, the pouting lips, the inexpert use of crosses. Really, if you're going to accessorize with religious trinkets, either keep it simple or go for broke. Remember Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet? It was all about the costumes and the gaudy religious imagery. Also, I'd like to know whether they actually ordered the flowered wreath for the shoot or simply lifted it from a nearby grave (note the wilting blooms, they are not fresh). The cap makes it very confusing as well: is the kid about to seduce you, sell you a newspaper, or go hunting?

Third pose: the mafioso kid who dresses like a priest and has a very flexible neck. Here, the rosary replaces the requisite pair of brass knuckles. Nobody likes this kid but is still very afraid of him. He does look like he has some serious connections. They've apparently used Photoshop to smooth out his bad skin.

Fourth photo: The one who doesn't belong. Awkwardly posed yet again, this guy holds the bouquet of flowers (calla lilies, I believe) like he would hold a shotgun, or the morning newspaper, perhaps. There's no chemistry between him and the flowers. Clearly he cares even less about you than he does about the bouquet. The white shoes perturb me as well. Suddenly we're dealing with an entirely different, Floridian theme. It's all very benign yet tremendously menacing at the same time.

Sixth shot: The colour photo with disquieting shades of beige. Again, a definite problem with the holding of the flowers. Is this the same model as in the previous photograph? The outfit is cute, though - although kind of Germanic, does anyone else feel the same way? The off-kilter quality of the photo really bothers me, too.

The final picture: anaemic devil kid again, wearing another long jacket. It's just a disaster. Would you ever believe that this guy was a priest if you crossed him in the street? Maybe Catholic priests are supposed to be hot or something, but possessed humans have never really been my type.

Given the title of this spread ('The Messenger'), I guess we're supposed to be turned on by these otherworldly creatures appearing in remote and desperately depressing locales. Or at least desire the couture they are wearing. I suppose it would be cool to walk down the street with a hypothetical boyfriend wearing this stuff, looking intense and deadly (or, in fact, just dead). But the allure would wear off pretty quickly. Especially if he was so undead he didn't have the strength to hold up my bouquet of flowers.