Dark Moment of Despair

I am frantic with worry about finding a job here in London, not to mention a relatively inexpensive flat. I am also consumed with guilt about continuing to spend my parents' money like some sort of idiot prodigal child. I could say a lot more, but perhaps it's best not to moan on and on about various forms of crippling panic.

I have been brooding a lot about my future career and have decided that there are very few things in life that I enjoy to no end, and therefore would be able to make a financially rewarding and personally satisfying career out of. For instance: I love music (listening to it, playing it, singing along to it, dancing to it, etc.), composing and taking photographs, driving, graphic design, drawing, architecture (I'll file real estate under this one), the Middle Ages (umbrella term which does NOT include dressing up in medieval costume on the weekends and re-enacting various battles), reading, making people laugh, taking care of people, movie previews, the theatre, shopping for clothing and handbags (somewhat ashamed to list that one but I suppose we are all a little shallow in some way or another), and the noble profession of emergency medecine. I also kind of really enjoy playing cards. There must be other things I could list here that would make me sound a lot less boring, but I'll just hope in my vulnerable state that everyone knows that there is, in fact, a lot more to me than the aforementioned interests.

Obviously, I cannot make a living out of playing cards. I do not have the discipline nor the skill to develop gambling tricks. I like the idea of being a martyred doctor, but only on my own time. Could I become a personal shopper, an investor in rare handbags and vintage clothing? How could I justify such a life? Fashion designer? But I'm a nice girl and the fashion industry is vicious. I don't know how to sew or make patterns, either. I would be a terrible theatre critic, and an even worse actress, so those are out. Taking care of people: that should have been filed under the noble profession of emergency medecine. I can't be bothered to become a physiotherapist. I think I would make an excellent personal assistant, though. Making people laugh: no career there. Nobody appreciates the monetary value of good humour. Reading, out. More of a cherished hobby than anything else. I could become a serious medieval art historian instead of pretending to be one. Not sure, not sure, seems like a big commitment. I can't bear the idea of doing physics again in order to become an architect. Maybe I could be like Frank Gehry, though, and just make crazy drawings of seemingly structurally unsound buildings and foist everything on a team of dedicated engineers. Graphic design, yes. The old internal battle of graphic design vs. art history?? Art history won last year, maybe it's time to moon over taking graphic design courses again. Finding sponsors for my career as a race-car driver might be difficult. I also don't think I would be paid to manage a synchronized-driving league. A driver for those annoying car commericals? Sometimes they do cool shit. Mostly not. I wonder how much car companies pay those drivers to elegantly sweep through piles of autumn leaves? Photography, yes. Music? I would be thrilled to work on film soundtracks. My singing is not so hot (but not terrible either!) and I'm too old to become a dancer. I don't think I'm coordinated enough to dance anyway. Voice-overs? Audio books?

So the results of this are:

a) Become an inspired architectural designer.
b) Develop into an acclaimed photographer or intrepid photojournalist. Fashion photographer?
c) Join the hordes and become a cool hipster graphic designer.
d) Morph overnight into a brilliant and very wealthy real-estate mogul (preferably one who lives in New York).
e) Become a racecar driver (young and very cute drivers are always in demand!).
f) Reclusive fashion designer.
g) Medieval illuminated manuscript specialist.
h) Brilliant and overpaid personal assistant to an understanding and laid-back employer.
i) Soundtrack-technician-type-person for movies, plays, shorts, etc. I spend a lot of time dreaming up the beginnings of movies and what songs should accompany the opening sequence.
j) Choosy audio-book reader.
k) Baker. Not discussed above, but of some interest to me. The excruciatingly early hours are a bit of a problem, though.

I should quit talking about myself. This blog is really going downhill, just like Vanity Fair.