The Age-Old Superhero Question

One topic of conversation that has come up frequently these days, thanks to the release of X-Men III, is this:

"If you were a superhero, what would your powers be?"

This is a really difficult question, one that might require in some cases a 20-part answer. Musing upon Jane Grey's ability to manipulate matter at a subatomic level, I began to think back to high-school science courses and the state of Absolute Zero. Absolute Zero, you will remember, is 0° Kelvin (–273.15 °C, or –459.67 °F). It is "the point on the thermodynamic (absolute) temperature scale where all kinetic motion in the particles comprising matter ceases and they are at complete rest in the “classic” (non-quantum mechanical) sense." [Thanks, Wikipedia!] At Absolute Zero, matter is sapped of all infinitesimal traces of heat and energy. Everything freezes solid. It's so cold that ATOMS and all of that other business STOPS MOVING (well, virtually stops moving). That means that most objects and beings simply would shatter. Life cannot exist at such an extreme temperature.

By international agreement, thermodynamic temperature is measured in Kelvins. Many engineering fields in the U.S., however, measure thermodynamic temperature with the Rankine scale - where absolute zero is 0° R. That's pretty funny - as per usual, the Americans insist on having their own scale for everything (sorry, lovely American friends!). That probably means that if those uber-cool Japanese developed an anime about an Absolute Zero character named 'Kelvin,' the American adaptation would rename the character 'Rankine.' I have to admit, though, 'Rankine' sounds a bit less geeky.

(Pause)

I'm probably in no position now to point the 'geeky' finger.

ANYHOW, I thought it would be pretty crazy to have the ability to inflict 0° Kelvin on objects, environments, and people (yes, of course, only the baddies). However, unlike Jean Grey of the X-Men, I would be able to control my insane power. I would only use it when absolutely necessary. I think it would be nice to use it only when locked into a perfectly focused, pure state of complete, all-consuming rage. Also, I would be much more complicated than that crappy Iceman-Bobby kid. I'd have the power to destroy the world - heck, maybe even the UNIVERSE. I would have the ability to exist in an Absolute Zero environment - so I could levitate into space (which, by the way, is only slightly warmer than 0° Kelvin). That makes me a super-crazy-cracked-out mutant. I'd be the character that everyone-can't wait-to-see-but-has-mixed-feelings-about-because-she-only-shows-up-to-destroy-the-world. Maybe because I was such an insanely powerful character, I'd be kept in a secret government facility. Maybe I'd wander the planet like a lost soul. I could be mute - because I need some sort of weakness and being mute is, like, totally mysterious. I think I'd be immortal, too. YEAH!

This is all about telepathy and telekinesis, so I don't think gestures are crucial to my attack. I know gestures can be pretty cool, but they also can be pretty lame. Maybe I could have some sort of staff or scythe which I could use to tap things that hadn't quite shattered on their own the first time around.

Like any good apocalyptic character, I think I would retain my shortness, cuteness, and innocence - who would ever know that I was eons old and could turn you to cosmic dust with a coquettish bat of my eyelashes? That's epic hot right there.

This evening I discovered, to my initial dismay, that Absolute Zero is already a character. He figures in the Mega Man X and Mega Man Zero video game series.

However, this Absolute Zero kid doesn't actually do anything that involves 0° Kelvin. His outfit is kind of clunky, too. How do you run at supersonic speed in those boots? Also, I'd be embarrassed if my weapon blatantly ripped off the light sabers from Star Wars. I think there might be a Final Fantasy character that has an Absolute Zero attack, but I'm just going to ignore that one.

Well, now everyone knows that I'm a geek AND completely insane. This is probably a good place to stop for the night.

UPDATE: Andrew has pointed out that the crazy kid from Mega Man X is actually called Zero, not Absolute Zero. This is good news - however, it also means that my unshakeable faith in Wikipedia has now been shaken.