Rainbow Chasing Diaphragm

This appeared in my spam folder this morning [click to enlarge!]. I hesitated before opening it, as I usually do, because my mother keeps on telling me that every piece of spam is harbouring a twisted virus that will destroy the hard drive of my computer and make all of my friends explode. But Sharity Bauer had me hooked. What was my future going to be like? And why did it involve 'pseudo-modesty?'

Once opened, the email did nothing but fuel more burning questions. OK, there's the usual money-for-nothing spiel. But WHAT is that mad free-verse cluster at the bottom? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Is it code for something sinister? Should I be jumping into a leather catsuit and sharpening the knives/stocking up on deadly ammo? I can hardly believe that Sharity Bauer intended to send out these cryptic (and vaguely sexual) messages to everyone. What purpose could that possibly serve? Why, Sharity, why? Sharity, are you my real mom?

I think the most hilarious thing about this email is that Google picked up on all the references to oil, drilling, wire, and armatures and flooded me with sponsored links to all sorts of hardcore industrial suppliers. Thanks, Google. As usual, you're on top of everything.

I chose to completely forget about this message and move on with the rest of my day. Then - another urgent dispatch, this time from Amaleta Mejia. She also wanted to tell me about my life. My FRANCO-BRITISH life. Am I to marry a Frenchman and live in Britain? Or vice-versa? Why can't I marry a dashing Brit and live in GB as well? What about money? Will I ever have a glass conservatory for my exotic plants? Is it true that you can't always get what you want?

Wow, I really hope these keep on coming. It's like receiving cryptic advice from a flaky psychic who channels e.e. cummings.